december

30.12.24

Hieeeeee.

I am feeling a bit better than I did when I last wrote. Whassnew? Well, I did my quarterly planning for 2025's first quarter. Which is good. Pretty good, I'd say. Feeling a bit more positive going into 2025 and thinking that my priority is to do LESS but do what I do WELL. You get me?

I guess I should dump in some things that I would like to do in 2025 as well. I have been thinking a lot about the business side of things and some goals I have and dreams, but it would be good to write them down too, you know? So let's do it:

Dreams For 2025

  • Buy tickets for Winter Olympics
  • Write more songs
  • Go abroad somewhere with Angus
  • Actually move in or plan to move in with Angus for fucking real
  • Write all the songs and produce 3 Impossible Tasks
  • Perform in a new museum!
  • Make money from teaching workshops
  • Make art, like actual art, just fucking make something cool
  • Complete Typical Forever project and have no regrets
  • Buy nicer clothes and sort out my wardrobe
  • Cut out gluten for 1 month and see how I do, then do 3 months, then do 1 year if that goes well
  • Keep adding to this website and create something cool over here

I will have to keep adding to this list because I feel like I haven't come up with that many original ideas for how to enjoy the next year. I need to enjoy this year. Good things must come my way this year. I've been working so hard, I deserve it, yannow!?!? Maybe I should make a manifestation and goals page for 2025 and I can track my desires and see how I make progress each month or whatever. Let's do that I want to do that. I want to make a 2025 page for this website and put fun stuff on it and go crazy. I could have different sections:

I can make something basic at least and then update it. Grids are hard so I need to sort out the grid system first. All I need to do this year is just stick with things. That's the main resolution. Stick with things. Get gold stars for the amounts of times I do things properly. All I need to do is stay consistent. That's literally all I need to do this year. And then the good things will come.

27.12.24

Christmasssss has happened!

I am doing alright. It's funny, I have been having such low self esteem lately. Like, more than usual? Or, I think my music has been highlighting how low self esteem I have. If I wasn't doing music then I wouldn't be aware of my low self esteem. I genuinely wish I could quit Instagram for a year but I feel like I need it too much for these single releases etc. I just wish that I could quit scrolling it. I always do it when I'm alone. When I'm with Angus I don't check my phone as much and I really like it. I like not checking my phone and doing other things instead. But when I'm alone I check my phone. And then I scroll. To feel less alone. But instead of feeling less alone I start to feel inadequate and disconnected from everyone. And I want to connect with people I half-care about.

Being in Australia this year I genuinely started to feel like people don't care about me. Like, being in the Raffertys always feels amazing but it's always coupled with this feeling of 'I am not important and if I wasn't here nobody would care.' Like, so you have to try so hard to be beautiful and funny and exciting and interesting. And any moment of attention focused on somebody else makes you feel like you've failed. And I think this year I wanted to connect with Fraser and Rory more because we have so few opportunities to hang out. But they didn't even want to hang out with me? That's what it felt like. Instead they want to hang out with the younger cousins because they're more fun. And I'm just an afterthought. I always feel like an afterthought. I even feel like an afterthought to myself. And everyone in my life becomes an afterthought to me. Apart from a few people.

But I haven't even wanted to talk to people lately. Like, I don't want to catch up or text. I just want to exist and get through this. Do you think that my last apartment wrecked my confidence a bit? Like, is that part of the problem? Living somewhere so bad and stupid and feeling so isolated that I actually took my self-confidence down a few notches?

I think also working on this album is putting me up against a lot of things. It feels like running hurdles and each new difficult task is a hurdle. Like, the live show will be a big hurdle for me. Because it's all about asking other people to show up. But I have to make it something that people can't NOT show up to. But every hurdle is a chance for success or failure. And I don't even really acknowledge the successes. I just double down on the feelings of failure. What's wrong with me? I thought I was meant to be self-actualised in my thirties? I thought I was meant to be happy by this point. And instead I just feel even uglier, even older, even stupider, even more embarrassing. And I don't know how to stop it. I want therapy but I can't afford therapy. I want better clothes and I can't afford them. Most of all, I want more time. I want more time and more energy in my weeks. Does that equate to eating better and not scrolling social media? Probably. And decorating my house the way I want it to be decorated. How do I do all of this. Who do I talk to about this. How can I not feel so ashamed of myself and my own skin? It makes me sad. I didn't ever think I would grow up to be someone that I was ashamed or embarrassed of. Little Olivia would be so upset to know that she's embarrassed of herself.

I think I'm placing so much worth on external opinions. Like, social media feels like a literal quantifiable thing about how 'likeable' I am. So that's a poison, right?

That's a poison, right?

How can I promote an album without social media? Do I just use my Instagram as a landing page? I would feel like I'm missing out all the time. And I can't post remotely anymore... I just feel like I have too much to do this year to quit social media. I can't figure out the options and I know for a fact that it would decrease my reach. It would instantly do that.

So what can I do to make myself like myself more? Change my diet? Stop scrolling somehow? Start a new hobby? Sleep better? It honestly feels like I have to change EVERYTHING in one go in order to feel any amount better. How is that fair, or possible?

I just wish I had someone that I could talk to about this. Anyone. Maybe writing here will help. It will be a start. I just need to stay awake and remember that I can't numb myself anymore. I have to be aware of what I am using to make myself 'feel better.' And I have to use my time well. And keep promises to myself.

Will I be okay? Can you tell me that I'll be okay?

I love you Olivia and I promise I will love you even as you figure all of this out. You are doing a good job and you don't need anyone else to tell you this apart from me. I am all the approval you need and I can tell you now that you are in the woods, and the woods are hard, they're a dark night of the soul situation. You are in the German Forest. But the German Forest means that you are on your journey already. You are further ahead than you'd be if you weren't doing all this stuff which is making you question yourself, you get me? You've done a podcast, you're already working on your next album, and you just got a really nice email today from someone thanking you for working with them this year. You've been on one of your favourite podcasts and you've performed at the Geological Society. That's all amazing stuff!!! How crazy is that! You are doing so well. I love you so much. You can do this, you can be afraid and do it. So if you have to be afraid and do it, then be afraid and do it. Better than not doing anything. Which I know you are above doing.

18.12.24

I am yet again BLOATED. Ugh my dudes. It's honestly a situation of my own making. I need to start tracking my symptoms. I saw this app today which might be helpful.

In other news, work is being hilariously 'worky' today. Just one of those days that could only happen here. This morning the fire alarm went off. Architect Mark came out and said 'Thank God it didn't go off five minutes later - I would've been in the shower!' Then Director Sam came in and we had a gossip session about Andrew Lloyd Webber. Then Noah Centineo and James Gandolfini's son came in to do R&D work with Sam. Noah is very tall and had a huge beard so he wasn't really recognisable. Both of them very sweet guys. Then the skip man came, the skip man who has a tiny chihuahua. Apparently he was chatting to the builders and revealed that he'd been to prison. One of the builders asked what for, and he said 'murder' LMAO. Okayyyyy. So, nobody really had anything to say to that. And then the cafe came and brought us a cinnamon bun in exchange to print two pieces of paper. And then the Oedipus production asked if they could bring in bunny rabbits because the stage manager has shared custody of nine rabbits with his ex-wife and wants to have them in the building this afternoon. Just mad, really. It's days like these that I love work.

What else? Okay so also I need to get back on the wheel of posting and being active on the internet and just sharing what's in my brain. I guess I feel like there's not much going on in my brain at the moment. Like, I feel a lethargy and an active absence of ideas when I think about Instagram or my newsletter. Like, a rebellious NOTHING.

17.12.24

Hiiii.

I am seriously bloated this morning and writing this whilst I'm at work. I am thinking... am I gluten intolerant? or even coeliac? Looking at the symptoms, it could be a possibility. Here are some symptoms I have, on and off:

I am feeling quite overwhelmed by it and my diet and my thyroid. I think I just had a realisation over the last couple of weeks that I could be actually making myself happier and better-functioning by eating differently? And I wonder... do I have the willpower, motivation and restraint for this? Can I accept that I will be happier if I try this? Instead of 'being okay' with everything and functioning sub-optimally to the point where everything is just slightly bad and never amazing?

When I was in Australia I was very concerned with how I looked, how I came across. And at the same time I was also happy and confident? It was a weird mix. I didn't want to show up bad in photographs. I know that my Mum worried about photographs a lot, still does. I don't want to end up like her and her sense of self-esteem. I don't think my mum has that good self-esteem. And I don't think I have that good self-esteem. I think I have quite low self-esteem. And I don't know how to change that, but I think changing my diet for the better would do that?

I think I'm gonna quit gluten for a year. Can I do it? Three months at least. Just to see if it makes a difference to my bloating/stomach problems, and any of the other problems I have with my thyroid. After doing some research on reddit, it seems contended whether gluten-free is medically supported for people with underactive thyroids, but based on a lot of people's personal experiences, it seems to help a lot. I think I can stomach going gluten free. No croissants. But it's all about 'urge surfing,' isn't it? Just feeling the urge to do something and then riding it out until you come out the other side. I think January 1st I'm gonna go gluten free and bring in more vegetables to my diet.

The Problem

Here's something I've noticed recently. I think I don't like myself.

Like, I genuinely wonder if I like myself? I don't know if I do. I love myself but I don't know if I like me or I want to be me. Or I am me but I am hiding within me, does that make any sense?

There's so much I want to do in this life and I keep telling myself that I'm not good enough for it. Not beautiful enough, not smart enough, not talented enough, not financially secure enough, not energetic enough. I don't have the time. The money. The skills. The energy. The talent. The looks.

Is social media affecting my sense of self? If I deleted it, would I be more confident? Is it gluten? Is it my thyroid medication? Is it a lack of therapy?

I can't stop thinking about ageing. About turning 40. About my parents getting old so I have to take care of them. About whether or not I should have kids so they can take care of me when I get old. About how much money I'm earning and how much money I'm not earning. About botox and fillers. About manicures and haircuts. About binning everything in my closet and starting again except I can't afford any new clothes. About moving out of London. About staying in London. About buying property. About ISAs. About marriage. About whether or not I have any friends that actually like me. About whether my family actually likes me. About whether I actually like me. About whether I should quit music. About whether I should try harder. About my thyroid. About my health. About my sleep. About supplements. About about about about about.

Is this some disease of the brain or is it just being in your thirties? Am I supposed to be chilled out at this point? People say when you get into your thirties you care less about what's happening and you're more self-actualised and happier but all I can feel is one step closer to Death and I've not done anything of note? I feel like I've wasted my twenties because I forgot to be hot? I feel like I'm wasting my thirties because I don't have money?

12.12.24

phwooooo. your girl is JET LAGGED!!!

I also started my period today. Okay so I know I have not given any updates whilst I was in Australia, this is because I was having lots of fun! And reading back on the last thing I wrote here, I can happily say that I exhaled fully while on the trip. Australia was a lot of walking, a lot of time in the sunshine and outdoors, a lot of Tim Tams, a lot of fresh delicious fruit and amazing meals, a lot of wine, a lot of laughter, a lot of wildlife, a lot of ocean, a lot of Dad, a lot of flying, a lot of good things. It was an amazing holiday and I really, really, really needed it this year. I am so grateful for being able to go on such a big holiday. It's honestly been almost 10 years since I last did that and I don't want it to be another 10 years from now when I do it next.

So I don't have the capacity to do a full recap of Australia or anything but I thought I would pop into this blogspace to say hi. I am trying to stay up late enough so that I do not wake up at 4am tomorrow morning (which is what has been happening the last 2 days), and writing here is a good way to do it.

But let's be real- I am very tired now and am going to zone out to Real Housewives of Salt Lake City while I still have some consciousness left in me.

november

20.11.24

I've been so busy the last week with birthday and moving house. I think I am just waiting for that moment I can fully breathe out and go 'haaaaaahhh,' and it's not come yet. I hope it comes when I see Dad at Gatwick tomorrow.

Moving House

I moved on Monday. I've been in the house for two days now, although it feels like barely anything. And of course I miss my last room. The mattress was firm, although the bed was squeaky. The house was warm, although it was dark. There wasn't a vague smell of cigarettes in the downstairs hallway, although there was the terrible smell of Cormac's cooking. The things we learn to live with, eh? It's basically all about choosing your lesser evil. What can you stand to put up with? What's your flavour of inconvenience?

The biggest inconvenience was the temperature last night - it dropped to zero. I was in bed with my duvet and blanket and sweatpants and sweater but my head was cold. I was still shivering and I was really tempted to get out of bed and make a hot water bottle, or even put on a hat... but it was too cold to get out of bed for an extended period of time, it felt. I eventually fell asleep but not before my head went crazy with just loads of random images and thoughts, like it was literally sorting through SO MUCH stuff and generating so much stuff... like, it felt insane. I think it was just because of all the new sensations I had to get used to with this house move. Suddenly I'm in a new neighbourhood, a new building, with a new person, and it's FUCKING COLD...

I just have to make it through tonight and then tomorrow I am going to Australia, and then when I come back to London in a couple weeks I might feel a bit better. I can settle and buy some curtains and a rug or something.

I just feel like I'm breathing in, in, in, and I need to BREATHE OUT.


11.11.24

I've had a good weekend! I'm writing this from my bed and I am pretty tired after a long day at...

COLCHESTER ZOO!!!

It was a really nice and fun day at the zoo. It's probably the best zoo I've ever been to? We saw basically every animal there - we were there for FOUR HOURS, so yeah.

The Best Animals

It was really sweet and as far as birthday activities go, it was a pretty good choice. Angus and I just walked for hours and once we'd seen all the animals, we went back to some enclosures to get a better look. The orangutans, for example, were intially sleeping under blankets (see pic) but when we came back a couple of hours later they were sitting around their enclosure, picking at the hay and eating things. Angus tried to say hello and wave at the orangutan nearest us and it gave him the side eye. It was so uninterested it was pretty comical.

Also this weekend Angus and I went to the dress rehearsal of A Christmas Carol at The Old Vic. It was genuinely beautiful and really made me cry towards the end. So life-affirming and there's a moment where Scrooge sees his child self at the end of the story, and he hugs him and says "I don't want him to grow up to be me. I don't want him to be me." And that hit me so hard. Because isn't that how so many of us feel? When we see our child selves and all the amazing things they dream for themselves, we really want the best for them. And then we live. And our priorities get mixed up and we change and go through the doldrums and then sometimes we end up in places we really didn't want ourselves to be in. I mean, the story of Ebenezer Scrooge is a drastic one, and I'm not saying that I hate my life, but it made me think of Young Olivia and how she had all these dreams of acting and singing and stuff and I have only partly fulfiled her dreams. Anyway. The show was great. So great.

On Sunday night Angus and I went back to Chelmsford and his mum had made katsu curry and a tiramisu. Which is so thoughtful I can't believe I get to have tiramisu every birthday!!! She put candles in it and they both sang happy birthday to me and it was really sweet. I feel very loved by those two people, it's so nice to have a feeling of family all the way down here in London, when I'm so far away from Mum and Dad and Harriet.

Tomorrow I am going into work (first birthday at work for years!!! But I have had so much fun that it's okay and I kind of want to see if my coworkers get me cake lol) and then in the evening I am seeing Patrick and he's taking me out for dinner. We're going to a Spanish restaurant in Honor Oak I believe.

I have more packing etc to do this week before the weekend rolls around. It seems like there is a lot to get done so I am hoping that I can bring a box home with me from work or something in order to get more stuff packed away. I am actually quite nervous about booking the van because the last time was so stressful and ended up being an extra 100 quid.

Packing and then Australia. And I have to remember to give my new letting agents my passport so they can scan it for my tenancy agreement etc. So many bits and pieces but I can do it I can do it I believe in me.

07.11.24

Did podcasting with Ed in the morning today. Then afterwards I just decided to get on a bus going up to Shoreditch instead of going straight home like usual - just couldn't face going back into the flat and feeling that feeling I've been feeling lately.

It's like an... ugh feeling. Like, I need to slough this skin off my bones, feeling.

I've been going down into the kitchen each day this week to find that my flatmate C has been leaving dishes piled in the sink. There will always be salt and egg residue on the counters. Sometimes the egg will have baked and burnt onto the stove burners. In the sink there will be watery pans and plates with egg on them, shreds of egg. All this guy ever eats is scrambled eggs. There sometimes is a damp tea towel all bunched up on the counter (this is his attempt at wiping the counter perhaps? however the counter is never wiped) with more bits of food on it, just sitting on the counter so that when I pick it up, little bits of debris fall out. When I go down to the kitchen in the morning and I see this, I get so mad inside. Like, just disgusted and mad. I don't want this here. I don't want someone else's eggy mess that they had all the time in the world to clear up (he works from home, like, 3 days a week at LEAST) and the implication that I have to work around it or clean it myself. And here's the thing: he would never, ever hold the belief that I should clean his mess up. However, if I want to use the pans, use the sink, cook myself dinner, not feel like ordering in takeaway because I can't stand the state of the kitchen, then it's up to me to clean the kitchen.

So when I got home from my little bus trip and cafe jaunt this afternoon, I saw that the dishes were still piled in the sink. And I went up to my bedroom and started packing my boxes. This is what I have keeping me from flipping the fuck out this week. My boxes. My cardboard and sellotape and vacuum bags. I get to pack up and get the fuck out of here in less than two weeks.

Part of me is anxious and uncertain about this next place. Will I struggle to keep it clean? Will there be some new annoyance with my new flatmate? But then I have to remind myself: I have been putting up with A LOT this year. There has just been a lot. The mice, the ants, the front door, the street door, the bad night's sleep, the dirty kitchen, the alcoholism, the sticky surfaces, the old laundry dominating the washing line, the dark kitchen, the sirens, the strange men in the alleyway, the Cash Converters, the smell of eggs cooking at 2am, the shriek-singing at 4am, the stealing, the abusive relationship, the grumbling hot water booster, the blinding streetlamp, the shouting people on the street... you get the point.You get the point.

Tonight I'm going to sleep with the Youtube video "MOUSE REPELLANT SOUND" playing an imperceptibly high-pitched frequency so that I don't wake up at 4am again to the rustling of plastic bags under my bed.

I wish I had somethng more positive to write about and part of me feels like it's bad vibes to write about how shit my flat has been, because I have really just had to suck it up and ignore it in order to keep living here. When I finally move out I will then be able to fully explain how negative this place has been for me. At least my life outside of this place has been improving over the last few months.

06.11.24

Well.

Everyone was suitably upset, pissed off, freaked out today. I weirdly don't feel anything about it that much. I think I have Trump amnesia. Or my anxiety has just tapped out.

When I was sitting in the National Theatre lobby an elderly Asian American woman asked me if I was there to see a show, and we started talking. She was from Minneapolis or somewhere in America beginning with an 'M'. I always get my Mississippis and Minneapolis and Minnesotas mixed up. Too many double consonants.

We inevitably started talking about the election results and I inferred that she didn't vote. She didn't want to vote for Trump, but she didn't agree with Kamala's policies either. So she didn't vote. She told me how she couldn't talk politics with her family, though. Because her husband and her two kids were so adamantly anti-Trump that they just couldn't understand how she didn't vote Kamala. She teared up talking about the division that the last few years of politics has caused in the population, even just in families.

"I don't want to think about politics all the time," she said. "I just want to live."

It was really interesting to hear an American talk about the election results on the actual day. She was going to see Cabaret at the Kit Kat club and so I said that she could at least go enjoy some theatre tonight. She got up after sorting out her backpack and really abruptly, almost comically, said "okay bye!" and waved smiling to me as she walked off. She literally had been knee-deep in conversation with me with tears in her eyes a minute before. Okay bye!

After that I went to Notes cafe and met up with Ani. She had said beforehand that she was going to dress extra girly tonight because she was stressed. Trump winning has big implications for Russia and Ukraine. We drank wine and talked a LOT about the election results but also a lot about other things. It was a good balm.

Talking to people in person is good. Maybe we need more of that in the world.

05.11.24

Gonna go to sleep soon but I guess that part of me still being awake at 11:50pm on a ~school night~ is down to the elections happening in the US today. Even though it's not my country I have so many friends there that I still feel tense. Also Trump getting back into power will definitely have international implications.

I might've made it harder for me to get to sleep this evening 'cause I spent most of it watching Reels on Instagram.

One cool thing: I started writing a Substack post today that I actually want to post. The first one in a couple of weeks. I would like to use this as a launch pad to make a few bits of content to post on Instagram because I've also been less post-y on there too but I'm gonna just treat it like an experiment rather than a bid to get more attention or followers.

Are you sleepy too? I'm sleepy. I'm gonna go to sleep now I think. And I will try not to check Insta or Substack or any of that stuff. Let's see how it shapes up tomorrow. Please please please no Trump. PLEasE no Trump. PLEASE.

04.11.24

Tomorrow is ELECTION DAY for Americaaaaaa and even though I am not American or even live in the States it is at the forefront of most people's minds right now. Fingers crossed we don't get Donald Trump back in the White House.

On a personal level I am doing okay. I got some hard stuff ticked off the to do list. I sent a stern email to my radio plugger because his efforts so far have been a solid 4/10 and that is not okay. I also FINALLY called the CD people and they said I could just send them my shit and they would help me make it look good!!! So that is a total relief.

What else is happenin! I went to Greenwich today and had a coffee and a little wander and discovered this crazy beautiful pub with all these naval flags attached to it. The sun was in the early stages of dusk and I had my little coffee and walked around listening to My Favourite Murder and also caught up with Mum on the phone. It was a really nice thing to do and I'm glad I left the house today.

I have also finally started to pack my shit for the move. I have one box full of things which is a small start but it's still a start. The books are the real bastards as they're so heavy. Today I was feeling super annoyed at my flatmate as the kitchen was just a mess, but as always, once I strike up a conversation with him all that annoyance just goes away. He is so hard to be pissed off at for extended periods of time, although he does TRY MY PATIENCE on an almost weekly basis !! Today I asked if he had a lighter spare so I could light my candle and he couldn't find his lighter so he went downstairs to the shop and bought me a lighter and a bar of chocolate. Which is. So sweet. Goddamn. I will miss him when I move, as a person, like. Not as a flatmate. I will be relieved when I leave this place.

Spoke to Mum on the phone today and she is chill with me doing Christmas with A and sis. Was a bit worried. But it's okayyyyyy.

What else today? Not much else. P said he will take me out for dinner on my birthday which is very sweet and I am very looking forward to. I am surrounded by lovely people in this life.

03.11.24

It's a Sunday and I am eating chocolate and resetting myself for the week. Gonna wash my hair in a moment too so I can feel squeaky clean on the outside, too. After feeling all organised and sorted out on the inside.

It's been too long since I've managed to have one of these days, and after being swept around for the last 2 weekends I'm realising how valuable it is just to have a day in the week which is entirely for yourself and centred around getting your life back in the reins. A day like this will always include:

And I definitely feel better for it at the end. Or rather, I don't notice it as much when I do do these things, but when I don't do them... It's definitely noticeable.

This week I have to start packing up my stuff for my move. And also plan my birthday. I am always so hesitant to plan my birthday because I always see it as a big invitation to be shown how I don't have many ride-or-die friends in London. I am lucky though because this year I feel like I do have a lot more friends, a lot of new friends. A and I were reflecting this weekend that I really did go through a lonely period just before summer where I had, like, nearly no-one to hang out with. Then J invited me to the wrestling, I started the Artist's Way group, E invited me to make a podcast with him, I asked L if he wanted to make an album with me... and suddenly I am starting to feel refreshed and social again. It really does just go to show that if you put something out into the universe, it will come back to you. But hardly ever immediately. Only at a slow and steady pace. But it was what I needed. I do feel lucky.

Movies

A and I went to see Anora in the cinema yesterday and oh my god it was so funny and so good. So beautiful, too. I just loved the characters: Vanya and Toros and the other 'caretaker' guy were so funny. Igor was heart-melting and Anora herself was just so unflappable, confident, caring, relatable, beautiful, etc etc etc. I think I've only seen a couple of films this year in the cinema (I wonder if I should start a Letterbox account but idk if I care that much) but this is probably my favourite film of the year?

We also watched Evil Dead on Friday, for me it was the first time. I can see how it became a horror classic - I'm guessing a lot of horror movie tropes stemmed from that film. A says that Evil Dead 2 is funnier and more gross so we should watch that next. I am not a fan of gross horror films but this one is quite cartoony, I think. We are mainly just planning on watching Army of Darkness because that one seems genuinely hilarious and I would def be down for a horror movie in that sort of category.

As for Evil Dead itself, I liked it. I don't really do horror movies that much and I sometimes had my eyes half-closed so the jumpscares wouldn't get me, but it wasn't too bad really. The end where all the corpses start to disintegrate and then this porridge substance comes out... lol that was gross. I don't like gross. But it was kinda funny.

Anyway yeah. I am still longing for another episode of Rivals but it's done now until the next season. Might start S2 of Yellowjackets but to be honest I'm not overly keen on getting another TV show going just now. Kind of have a craving to watch Master and Commander for some reason? Might do that this week.

I am wondering about this diary and whether I should try to write a bit more 'poetically' for here, but at the same time I don't wanna put the pressure on. If anyone reads this (and lol why would they) then that's fine, but it's really not for them, it's for me. And I hope that I can keep this space as much 'for me' as possible. That's important to me. Before the sun goes down I want to take pictures of my rocks so I can start making a rocks page, I would assume I should try using flex boxes or something to get them all in position. Will be learning something new! Hooray!

october

31.10.24

Feel pretty crappy today. Whenever I have a day off work I always feel like I have to get SO MUCH done in order to 'justify' it. Like, I sat down and wrote a list of things I had to do: cleaning, prepping my next Substack post, eat well, get enough rest... all that boring self care stuff which makes you feel better at the end of the day. But here's the thing, if I just feel like I'm going from one 'self-care non-negotiable' to the next, I just feel like I'm ticking off boxes. And those things might decrease my stress and anxiety but at the same time, it doesn't make me feel good in the moment?

I think I'm just worried and stressed about this impending housemove. Also flatmate C was drinking out of BOTH of my nice mugs last night and it actually pissed me off more than I should have lol. I don't mind people borrowing my stuff but my mugs are my mugs. MY MUGS!!! Also I'm 99% sure he's been pinching my Nutella which is fine but also it's quite brazen how much is left in the tub. Stuff like this is just small annoyances but it builds up to a bigger picture of Many Fucking Annoyances which has led me to wanna move out now.

Idk if you know that feeling but you know when it's like the end of the day or whatever and you unhook your bra (if you are a bra-wearer) and then for a second the bra is just sitting on your titties feeling really creepily uncomfortable? In that moment I'm always like "I NEED THIS OFF ME RIGHT NOW". I feel like I have unhooked the bra of my apartment. I am moving in two weeks and I really need this off me as soon as possible.

I spoke to Dad on the phone today about Australia plans. It seems so overwhelming to be travelling so far. I haven't gone on a transcontinental flight in 9 years. That's actually a crazy long time. Part of me wonders if the last 9 years of my life have been 'fun' if I haven't travelled that far. Should I make travel a priority for myself in the years to come? I think I should. I always enjoy it. It's important for me to see the world whilst I'm here.

Finished Rivals. God. I wish there was more. I cannot BELIEVE what happened with Tony and Cameron. Jesus! WILL TONY SURVIVE? I honestly loathe his character but then I get flashes of sympathy for him. He is truly in love with Cameron but is also so desperate to just have some sort of control over his life and some kind of impact on the world. So much so that he becomes a monster in order to get there and stay there.

Watched the Eras Tour livestream of Miami Night 3 today. The rain show. I honestly can't believe how many beginnings of songs get me right in the tear ducts. I want to cry when I hear the opening line of Cruel Summer. I want to cry at Fortnight. I want to cry at the surprise songs. I want to cry at fucking everything. Part of me always will wonder what it would have been like to go. I worked the merch stand which was as close as I got but part of me really wonders what it would have been like to dress up and go and just cry cry cry at the Taylor Swift concert.

Worked a bit on the CD design today. I think I'm ready to call Alpha Duplication so I should totally do that on Monday. It's a very eat-the-frog to do list item for me. Just need to do it. Need to do it need to do it.

29.10.24

Hi hi hi how is everybody on my CRAP WEBPAGE

I honestly have spent too much time making this site and I have a feeling that one day soon I will crash and cool off for a bit....... today is not that day. I am doing a lot of coding here and there and it's taking a long time but it's a labour of love and I'm happy with that.

Today I literally had to go sit on a bench in a park to reply to all the texts in my phone that I have been meaning to reply to this week. For some reason the motivation to get back to people is low. I sent out a bunch of texts, to P, M, L, the Wednesday girls, L.... so I think I'm good for a bit. I don't think anyone is mad at me for not getting back quickly but I know I can get overly worried about that and it compounds if I don't hit it on the head.

Tomorrow I have the "day off" so I need to get the thing done. What thing? ALL THE THINGS. Mainly:

I feel like I am still getting my shit together after Isle of Wight. Like, I haven't done fucking laundry in almost two weeks. That is insane to me and I have no idea how I've managed to NOT do it. Should I do it now? Guys should I be so crazy and just do my laundry TONIGHT???

Maybe I will.

Other shit that is going on... not much. Halloween tomorrow. Guy Fawkes night. Then America's voting day. We'll be watching from the sidelines here in the UK but the general feeling is that Kamala is going to win. From over here at least. But you know. Crazier things have happened.

29.10.24

I felt really weirdly nauseous today. Just like, not good. Picked up a bit later on in the day. I did a covid test yesterday and it came back negative so at least I don't have that. I have a weird theory though... okay, so I wore a wide-brimmed hat on the train to work today and I genuinely wonder if it gave me travel-sickness??? lmao??? Does wearing a hat on a train make you susceptible to nausea?

Anyway I have been plugging away at more parts of this website and have been figuring out grids and iframes today. Woopeeeee

Still watching Rivals and I fear if I get any more into this TV show I may turn into a Tory. I fucking love these characters and I have one episode left! And then I will go into withdrawal.

I need to go to sleep tonight at a decent time. I think it would be cool to do a dream diary page on this site at some point. Idea for later.

Okay short entry love ya my little personal website GOODNIGHT

28.10.24

This is getting easier and easier to write -- in the html, I mean. Anyway today I have been feeling like I'm coming down with a sickness, maybe a cold-y flu or something. I woke up this morning and was so sure that I had been snoring like a fucking MACHINE whilst I slept.

I pretty much spent the entirety of the day doing podcast stuff with E. I feel like we have built a nice rapport over the last couple of months and we're actually friends now. Like, we can have a laugh a bit more I think. I really like going to his house and having a cup of tea with him and Rosie. I'll have to get them a Christmas present or something this year for all the times they've fed me when I've been over!

Rivals

I have been loving Rivals on Disney+ recently. Like, I am so invested in all of the characters I just love them. This kind of TV makes me want to start using Tumblr again because I'm like OH MY GOD MY BABIES when I see my favourite characters get on with each other. I love Declan, Rupert and Freddie, and their friendship is literally giving me life. I don't know who else is watching this show but I need someone to gush about it with because I LOVE THIS SHOW AND I DON'T WANT IT TO END. I only have 3 episodes left of the first season and I don't know if it'll continue after season 1, like if it's a standalone thing or what, you know?

Anyway I am probably gonna tinker more with this website tonight and also clean my room. I feel like when I do it I automatically start to feel better, like not just mentally but also physically. So I need to keep it clean this week. Also I feel like now I can finally relax because a lot of the 'big stuff' I had to do is now finished. Isle of Wight (LOL) is over, party weekend and wrestling is over, podcast day is over, I can finally relax a bit until my birthday. Oh I should make plans for my birthday though!

Birthday Ideas

Oh well! I will figure it outtttt. Anyway. Time to eat dinner.

BYEEEEE

27.10.24

I'm actually so surprised at how easy it is to code. Makes me kinda wonder how motivated I was as a teen..... cause I really wanted to make a website when I was a teenager, but I never did. I kind of tried but I gave up pretty soon. So part of me wonders... was I just not headstrong enough?

Is headstrong-ness something you develop as you get older? Probably. I mean, I was obsessed and powerfully so with Q. That was like, my thing. And I wonder if I used up all my energy in that zone and I could have actually applied myself... God, it doesn't really matter does it, though?

I'm having fun now.

So today I went out to the wrestling with James. Gerri wasn't there. It was good but I shouted a lot so I feel kinda vocally tired out from that. J got me a signed photo from Tate Mayfairs that says 'Keep stealing umbrellas!' and it's honestly one of the funniest things I own now. So good.

Kinda had a feeling that A was mad at me today because he's been super quiet but I just have to remind myself that 80% it's not actually about me, it's about him. And it's okay. It's okay.

I feel like I should give El a call or something because her friend killed himself this month. And I've had two close calls this year with people that I love. I don't really know how to open that conversation but I just feel like I should say something. It would be really nice to connect with her when I'm over in Australia because I love her and I want her to know that we are family no matter how far away we are. I hope I can have a really nice time in Australia with all my cousins and feel a lot closer to them. I think going for dinner with Geo really helped last month. Like, the R** cousins are a bit more distant and I think we don't have the same rapport as the D**s. It would be nice to connect with them more as HUMANS and not as tiny cousins or people that my uncles have fathered, you know?

24.10.24

Hello and welcome to my website I am working on it okay!!!!

Things I want to do to this website