february

27.02.25

I've been thinking about how i've had a departure from thinking spiritually over the last few years -- I think I used to be very "the universe is conspiring for me" in my twenties and then in more recent years I've walked away from it and just been getting on with life in a very normal way.

Joining the sighswoon discord and also doing that symbol-defining exercise, I've realised that I am a spiritual person. I am a person who likes to think about big questions, I like to make other people think about life and why we're here. It's probably the scorpio in me but I am fascinated with the deep end of things, and I want to take people into the deep end. And during the years I wasn't thinking about the unseen forces or the tarot or the moon or anything along those lines, I was making music which has actually ended up being my spiritual manifesto.

I write songs to cope and untangle themes of change, nostalgia... it's kind of insanely clear to me now. Lol, like on my first EP I literally had a song where the chorus goes "I wanna see what you see when God moves inside of me." HOW did I think I've walked away from spirituality when it's....right... there..... It's like, even though I was going through life on a very What's-In-Front-Of-Me level, I actually was exploring the big questions and everything through my music, on a conscious/subconscious level. I still do now. To be honest, everything I write is me trying to figure out what life is all about.

I honestly never realised that until now.

23.02.25

I went to wrestling today! Always a reminder that you can be anything you want to be. It was beautiful, there were some really beautiful moments. I just love showing up somewhere and being in a big room with people that all laugh together and care about the same thing. It's strengthening, in a way.

What else is new? I feel like tomorrow is going to be an important day for sorting stuff out for my gig etc. And just setting myself up for the week properly. -- But can I just say? Why do I always write these diary entries and just talk about what I have to do? Why is my diary just a space for the list of things I have to do and not for my feelings and dreams and hopes and all the whimsical stuff inbetween the to do lists? I don't really want to turn up to my Personal Diary Dreamspace and just talk about my list of things that I have to get done the next day or week. Why do I do this to myself, hmmmm? It's like even in my leisure, I can't fully just relax and think openly. I have to be productive even in my personal leisure writing time. On my own goddamn website!!!

So what do I really want to write about, then?

I want to write about philosophy, worldview, spirituality, magic in the everday, things that I'd like to do... I want to write my bucketlist of things. I really feel like the bucketlist needs to make a comeback. There's a few things that I'd like to do this year and in this lifetime, I think it's time to start making a list of stuff and seeing what I can do soon and what I can plan for later, you know?

Something I could do this year is get a telescope. I want to see Jupiter with my own eyes, I think that would be so cool.

feeling: present
listening to: I'M A FREE WOMAAAAAAAAAN
wishing for: good times, sleep times, good day tomoro

20.02.25

Every time I open my phone, it's to some terrible news from the USA. Federal employees being fired, planes crashing, just... general awfulness. I worry about the future a lot. There's an asteroid which has a small chance of hitting Earth in 2032, and it all feels like part of some cosmic shitshow plan. I wish Elon Musk would die and that Trump would die and that their successors would be good people. I want Putin to die also. And Netanyahu. I want all the bad world leaders to die.

Anywayyyyyy. I am doing okay! I have been thinking a lot about the internet etc. I got a patreon membership to Sighswoon's community and I have been listening to so many of the audios. I just feel like I truly need to step away from the social media rat race, if I'm to truly be an artist. I just want to stop posting on social media from a 'please engage with me' way and move more into a 'omg let me share this with you my mind is beautiful and amazing' way. Like, how much more conversation do we need to have about social media etc? Eventually it gets to the point where we're talking about posting and scrolling so much that we are stopping talking about art completely. I refuse!!! I want to go back to posting for me. My online diary. My scrapbook. My mind. My things.

So with that in mind, I am trying not to scroll down when I go on the Substack homepage. I am trying to just have thoughts and share them and then turn away. I am trying to engage more with my brain in the real world. Someone said something about 'neutral time' and I believe I need more 'netural time.'

I did a makeup test for my show today and I think I am afraid of looking too cool and crazy!!! I have also decided to change my outfit idea slightly. I want to look like a volcano. Gerri did my makeup and it looks glittery and cool so I need to up the game. I kept thinking I had to be super cute and frilly and cool and it was hard for me to do that. Then I went the other way and went 'safer', but now I'm thinking I should go in the middle. I want to dress like a volcano: big black taffeta maxi skirt, red top, gold belt, gold choker and jewellery, gold earrings, hair cascading down, just powerful and volcano-shaped and volcano-like.

feeling: inspired
listening to: addison rae - high fashion
wishing for: magic

18.02.25

I have not written here in a while I feel like I got swept up in the PMS of it all. Wanting chocolate and crisps and comfortable soft clothing and television. Self-soothing in all the classic ways. I am not feeling very "speaky on the internetty" but yesterday I was thinking about Sighswoon's style of internet posting and I realised that I need to start to remove the audience from it all again. Remove the promotion, which is hard because I am promoting a show and an album. But I need to do more showing not telling. Also I need more surrender in my life. More surrender. Billy Talent surrender mantra forever.

I have a list of things to do for the album launch and one of them is starting to sing and play guitar again to get my stamina back up. Also I must send the charts to the musicians. They need their star maps!!!

I have been feeling insecure lately. More of that "I'm a failure" feeling that instantly pops up in my head whenever I think a bad thought or see someone I envy succeeding. Angus says I need to think the opposite and challenge the thought when it arises, that it feels stupid and annoying to do but it does work in some form or another. I had been feeling down on myself because I just felt like I was failing to arrange everything and organise everyone, and the last session I had with Leo felt difficult. And I just felt bad. The other day Leo texted me and it started with 'hello friend!' and honestly I just felt so sorry that I had been avoiding texting him to arrange another session because I thought I sucked at the last one. And then to hear he's like 'hello friend!' in such a kind and open way it's just like... okay Olivia get over yourself and go make some music with a genuinely nice person??? Like??? So I am gonna do that. There is more to explore in the world of 3 Impossible Tasks and I've got deeper to delve.

Songwriting is alchemy, songwriting is excavation, songwriting is cosplay, songwriting is archaeology, songwriting is memory-collecting, songwriting is daydreaming

I have talked about quitting social media but I don't know that I'll ever give it up. I like being connected to the people I like too much. But I do feel like the way I've been posting has been too mimetic of whatever else is chugging up the platform at any given time. Why is success all about imitation and assimilation? BIG WORDS BIG WORDS.

feeling: like, okay?
listening to: the shins
wishing for: more time more courage

07.02.25

Lol last time I wrote here I was PISSED but I'm good now. Angus and I sorted it out and he came round on the Sunday and we had a nice time together. It was sweet, actually. We had makeup sex and the sex was GOOD. I love being in love!

Sad news today is that I am not gonna go to the Winter Olympics in 2026. It's too much work and too expensive and I want to do it properly. Which means saving up and doing it in 2030 in France. And buying accommodation like 2 years beforehand. I would probably need to save about £5000 at least? Maybe more? God I dunno. I need to come up with a savings plan though for it. As well as a savings plan for being with Angus and moving somewhere.

So even though that is poopy, life is good. I am feeling more settled in my flat as the weeks go on. Juan de Fuca came out today! That's a good thing. I love that song. I need to sort out the band rehearsal stuff this weekend though, like, that is a serious Must Do thing tomorrow. Like, absolute must do. Do or die!!! THE CATEGORY IS DANCE OR DIE. So I have to just pull the plug and do that, also I need to sort out my outfit for the show. I need to stop pretending that the show is just gonna magically happen, now is the time to start preparing and making it the best it can be. That means:

I really do want this to be a success I'm just scared of actually... making it a reality. Because if I accept that this show is truly going to happen, I am gonna have to go through entirely new experiences: being with a new band, rehearsing these new songs, potentially not getting everything right first time. I am gonna have to have conversations about money, I am gonna have to showcase my singer skills etc in front of new musician friends, I am gonna have to come to terms with the fact that I don't know how to dress myself (lol)... there's just so much which I feel like I don't want to 'confront,' although confront is a strong word. It does feel confronting. I know that every year I grow a little bit more as a musician and this is a growing thing, but I am also scared of it. But the thing is, the longer I am afraid and ignore and procrastinate the prep, the less of a chance I'm giving myself to make this a really great show. And I do want it to be a great show. Like, I can see it in my mind, a bit. I need to sit down and actually write what I want to do and what I want to happen at this show.

okay i am sleepy im gonna log off bye

feeling: tired and run down
listening to: affirmation by savage GARDEN
wishing for: my ass to get off its ass and DO THE THINGS I NEED TO DO tmrw

01.02.25

Hey, it's February.

I am pissed off at Angus today. Yesterday he sent me a message saying he wouldn't come down this weekend. And then I tried to call and he just said he was in the dentist's office. And I'm like, what's going on??? Because I can make guesses: he's not gotten the job (hasn't told me that, I thought he would tell me straight away but apparently no), his teeth are playing up again (cause he's at the dentist's, but I have no clue), he caught the bug his mum had this week (but who knows, right!?????). But obviously he's literally not told me anything he has just sent me two text messages and that's been it. And when I called last night he didn't pick up. So his phone is like in a hole somewhere and he's unreachable. Fucking great. I love being in a relationship with my boyfriend who literally tells me fucking nothing and I have to be a fucking detective and figure it all out.

Still haven't heard from Angus this morning. Will I hear from him at all during today? It could be unlikely. Which means I am going to get even more pissed off and my weekend will be ruined.

feeling: fucking ugh
listening to: spyro soundtrack
wishing for: angus to just call or text me

ok it's a bit later in the day now. I went to see Babygirl at the cinema and really enjoyed it. It was hot. Harris Dickinson is hot. Honestly it's probably a must-watch for people. So much said and explored about sex in a way which we don't really do in our everyday lives. I felt bad for Romy, as it kind of felt like the affair she had with Samuel was... like, spiritually necessary? It just opened her up in a way which she needed. And her saying 'it's my problem, it's my fault' to her husband, I totally get it but at the same time I wonder if it was her fault, or her problem? I dunno. Anyway I really enjoyed it and then went and had a wank in the cinema toilets afterwards lmao.

Still haven't heard from Angus. Go figure. I feel bad for being mad at him today when he is probably having a pretty bad day but at the same time I feel like he never considers how I feel in these situations. It's a horrible but familiar feeling I have today. I'm just left in the dark, I want to eat my feelings, I feel aimless and useless, and I am just waiting for him to call me so I can feel better. I shouldn't have to exist this way.

feeling: less ugh
listening to: still the goddamn spyro soundtrack
wishing for: a nice evening in

january

29.01.25

Listening to FKA Twigs' Eusexua and it's SO FUCKEN GOOD. This really is a great album I love great albums like this. In January no less! Thank youuuuu I will be eating this month.

I am feeling quite tired and I have been farting a lot thanks to the chickpeas in my Jennifer Aniston salad. Today I feel like I have a lot piling up on my plate but I know it's just a few key things I have to do. Namely to do with the gig. I think when I have a couple of very big important tasks to do it makes me feel like I have 1000 things on my to do list. And then I get stressed.

IM A DOG FOR YOUUUUUU. AO AO AO AO AOOO OWWW.

So here's the thing: it's fucking late and I have to go to sleep. I am spending too much time on Substack, man. And my phone and everything in general. I seriously need better boundaries when it comes to the internet and just opening my laptop and shit. Tomorrow I really really really have to get everything done that I want to get done. I HAVE TO GET IT ALL DONE!!!

So tomorrow I will wake up at a reasonable time and then go to the dry cleaners go to the pharmacists and do some podcast stuff, tick that stuff off the listttttt... then text Jack and Harry and also promote the gig more and then clean the kitchen and then in the evening I will see Leo and we will do some muzaaaaaak. That's quite the day. The frogs must be eaten first.

feeling: toired and also overwhoilmed
listening to: 24hr dog - FKA Twigs
wishing for: the courage to eat my frogs

27.01.25

Hi! Today was actually boring but in a good way. I got some stuff done so I feel content going to bed at aroudn 9pm. It would be good to go to sleep (lights off) at half past ten. Let's see if I can do it! After I write this entry I am gonna wash my face and then read my book. I have a tea which has valerian in it but it tastes kinda orangey and I don't looooove it but it'll do.

Today I went to the doctors, cleaned my room, called next door's landlord (there is a pile of garbage outside the house) and made the Jennifer Aniston Salad so I am truly becoming an Adult Woman. Cooking salads and complaining about other people's garbage. I also tried to do some vocals for Hall of Mirrors and Somebody (the maze song) but I'm not 100% what I did was great, but I think some of it is useable. I just want to make sure that the lyrics for Somebody sounds good, and so far there are parts which are good but then there's also parts which are a bit laughable.

What else? I am feeling pretty balanced tonight. I always get worried that I have too much to do but if I just put one foot in front of the other I can get it all done. I need to review the podcast stuff for Ed.

I'm listening to FKA Twig's Eusexua album right now and I think I should buy it. It's damn good from what I've heard so far. A real piece of ART. Man I wish my voice was as good as hers. I think I am experimenting a bit with 'voices' on my newer songs. Like, changing the timbre of my voice depending on what is being sung. Especially the difference between high parts and low parts.

The focus this week is to get things done and keep going and have fun! I think I can do that. Also to eat welllll because last week I kind of fell off the wagon. But now I have my JENNIFER ANISTON SALAD. With my Jennifer Aniston salad, anything is possible.

feeling: sleepy but goody
listening to: Eusexua - FKA Twigs
wishing for: getting good vocals down this week

26.01.25

Can you believe it's almost the end of January??? It's gone like whoosh.

I'm having that thing again where I go to pee at night and not all the pee comes out. And it's really annoying me because it stops me from sleeping. Ugh. This problem pretty much stopped when I was in my last apartment and had an en suite so I didn't have to stress about getting up to pee as much in the middle of the night. Just gotta live with it and hope it goes away, I guess.

I should be going to sleep now but I'm not 100% tired. Also I feel like I can't go to sleep until I've come up with a plan for tomorrow and I don't have a plan for tomorrow. I was meant to see Patrick but I totally forgot to text him back so I need to do that tomorrow. Also Leo. Also I need to write lyrics for The Maze or something. You know? And I wanna wash my sheets tomorrow which would mean I'm in the house. Also what the hell is going on with my doctors? Also what about the jacket UGHHH. Is tomorrow gonna be a boring day? Hope not. I should get up and wash my sheets, though. Then make breakfast. Then do some writing. Then go to the coffee shop and do some coffee and writing. Then go home via dry cleaners and doctors.

feeling: tiredish?
listening to: youtube muzak
wishing for: good things next week

24.01.25

Yayyyy I've had a good music day today. A good music WEEK even!

It's like almost 2am and I am lying in bed after having come back from Oxford this evening. I played at the Natural History Museum and it went really well - I got to perform under the T-Rex in the main hall! Woopa! And then when I came back home, my CDs were waiting for me. MY CDS!!! MY FRICKIN CDS!

My CDs look beautiful. I opened them when I got home. I went live on Substack and accidentally pushed it to all my subscribers AAH. I didn't mean to do that. Anyway the CDs look fucking great and I'm really happy with them! And now I can start making an inventory list and stuff of my things to send out to everyone! Ahhh! Things are really happening.

Today I am mostly staying in bed (for the morning at least... and some of the afternoon). I'd like to clean my room and change my sheets this weekend. Angus is seeing his friend Moggins this afternoon and having dinner with him, so I can eat my own stuff. I probably have to just eat whatever's kicking around the fridge at this point because there's still a fair bit of veg in there. Also I need to get something nice for Angus to say congratulations on doing his interview, because the interview really is the success. He did his first ever interview in years and I know he was so nervous because he really wants this job. I'm gonna get him a card or something and he likes acts of service so maybe there is something I can do for him. I know it's gonna involve cardboard boxes. Cause he's building his vomit robot. God, lol. I love him. I just love him. He makes life better, more interesting, more funny, more lovely.

But what is my plan for today? Here's what I need to get done (in a loving and relaxed weekend type of way):

Okay that's cool. I just need to focus a bit and I can do thisssss! Maybe put a laundry in now so I don't have to think about it later. Also I really want to start creating the website for my next album. I feel like I should be trying things out and experimenting with it now so that when it launches later it'll be ready. I really wanna talk to Dave McKean! I wanna investigate the art! I wanna create the world!

feeling: tired but happy!
listening to: MPR The Current
wishing for: a relaxed nice day

23.01.25

I AM HAVING AN ANXIETY DAY. EVERYTHING FEELS WEIRD.

Here's what's making me freak out today:

Okay Angus just called me on the phone and I feel a tad better. The objectives this afternoon are to:

Last night I met up with Leo for the first time since like October and we worked together on a new song: it's for the maze. It has turned out pretty cool so far and I like it a lot, it was really fun to work on. I am having such a fun time working on this project and such a fun time with Leo! I spent so much time worrying that I wasn't cool or making cool enough music for him to want to work with me but it turns out that I am cool and doing whatever the fuck I want is a good thing to pursue. There was a moment when we were listening to the track and I just realised that I need to do more of 'whatever the fuck I want' when it comes to music. Let go the expectations of genre. The voice of fucking TERRY in my head, and Camelle, people who told me that I needed to do Americana or folk or whatever. Just because I play guitar? I don't want to do that anymore. Or like, I don't want that to be my whole thing. My brain is so much bigger and broader than that. I just want to follow the fun and follow the 'wow' and see where that leads me.

feeling: anxious and bad and weird
listening to: the song i made with Leo last night
wishing for: calm!!!

21.01.25

Goddamn I had a dream about Ralph last night -- as per usual, everyone was like "don't you dare hook up with Ralph!!!" and I like like "lol okay." Why does he ALWAYS come with a warning label in my dreams? I was at some sort of large event, like a festival in a building or location with lots of different rooms and spaces, it was colourful and airy and my family were there, like Mum and Harriet were there. I was watching a gig when Harriet threw a towel over my head: I knew in that moment she was trying to hide me from Ralph and also hide Ralph from me. It was like-- don't you dare even look at him or go there. Which is hilarious because, if I was to communicate with the director OF MY DREAMS I would say, "if you don't want me to think about him then why did you make me dream about him?" Anyway, then obviously at some point we spotted each other, and it turned out he was back with Nina, and I gave Nina a big hug like we were long lost friends (in the dream we felt very friendly... even though I was about to steal her boyfriend away for an hour) but that didn't stop Ralph & I from sneaking off together and making out and his BREATH was BAD but at the same time I was like "I will tolerate this because I am horny." Then Mum found me and told me I was late for dinner or something, and I was literally stark naked and so was Ralph and she just gave an exasperated sigh like "oh here we go again" as if I could never be trusted to stay away from Ralph like we were two human disasters bound to merge at any moment we crushed a certain distance between us.

Naturally, I wake up thinking "hmm I wonder how Ralph is doing these days?" Like every dream I have of him, my brain is saying DON'T GO THERE YOU IDIOT and I don't mean go there in a romantic way because of many reasons but I just mean like "don't go there" as in, don't rekindle communications or a friendship or even just 'check in' on him. Like when I saw Quinton the other day (lol I need to recap on this too) I felt really good and warm about our shared history and years of friendship which have stood the test of time. Ralph is another long-standing friend who I enjoyed spending time with but he was also fraught with problems and quite often his inability to deal with his shit left me feeling rejected and upset. Therefooooreeee... don't go there. Part of me wants to email or message him being like "I forgive you" but I don't think he needs that from me. Maybe he does? But maybe he doesn't and he's all good now and just moving on with his life. I do think about him every so often and hope he's okay. That's really the only wish I have for him. I just hope he got better and I hope he's doing okay and I hope he's independent and happy and strong and healthy. That's all I want for him.

feeling: alright but sleepy
listening to: Sounds of the 90s
wishing for: more time, more money

20.01.25

It's Januarryryeeeeee!

I revamped the website a little bit (just this page!). Still learning how to do things but have been doing less html and css recently, so I'm kind of glad I've managed to update the theme a tiny bit without a lot of trouble. Not that I've really gone crazy with it over here.

Today I did some good things like:

It's kind of funny because I feel more like an adult, in this house. I think it's because I know that I can take care of things here because Lucy will actually acknowledge and appreciate it and contribute, rather than when I was living with Cormac and Will and just struggling to keep my head above water and was constantly cleaning up after the boys. Mainly Cormac.

The other day I noticed that my suede jacket was looking mouldy and sad so I put it in a bag and walked to the dry cleaners and got it dry cleaned immediately. Who else does that apart from an ADULT??? hmmm? Although I need to make sure the dry cleaners don't scam me into parting with too much money because they said £25 for the jacket and now it's £70 which is a bit crazy.

But my point is, I just feel more capable and organised now that I'm here. I'm still to find the space to set up my little music stuff, but I do feel a lot calmer and more in control of what's going on. The place I'm living is no longer an ongoing issue, it's just... my house. Which is nice.

Okay, What Else Is New?

It's been a while since I've written on this site. I guess here are some things which are new or I am thinking about:

Anywayzzzzz, I am starting to feel the love for posting to Substack again. Like... I have ideas for a ~rebrand~ of sorts, and I think it's mainly down to how I've just been tinkering with colours and fonts and graphics on this website. It's giving Livejournal!!! I really want to also create those tiny 'status' things that you would have at the bottom of each diary entry or something. Let me try it on this one.

If I was being a good girl I would now go to sleep. I like updating my website!!!! But I have to go to sleep and get some actual sleep because sleep is good for me and I fucking need it, man. I NEED IT!

feeling: tired but content
listening to: nothing rn
wishing for: a good night's sleep