I feel like Angus has not been good for like 2 years now. Like, he's not well. There was a period where things were really good and I feel like over the last 2 years I have seen him struggle and the best parts of him slowly slip away. He's not as playful or happy. He is struggling. And I don't know what to do. Because I feel like our relationship is the thing which is bringing him down. Would he be happier without me?
I also know that our relationship is good. Like, it's good for him and it's good for me, in different ways. But honestly it's on days like this that I just feel discarded and put by the wayside and forgotten about and even loathed by him. Like, I feel like he actively doesn't want me in his life and is disgusted by me on these days. And I know it's because he loathes himself and is disgusted by himself, but it's me by extension, too. When he feels those feelings about him, he transfers it towards me as well.
It's hard because I have been having this secret fantasy about Leo. Like, I see him and his girlfriend and they both can drive and they share a flat and they have books and records and go on holiday to Japan and they have a cat together and I think, "this is what Angus and I are meant to have. This is what I am meant to have." And it just doesn't help when Angus is being shit and then I go to the studio with Leo and have an amazing time, because I just start thinking and feeling that if I broke up with Angus and stole Leo away I would be happy. Then I could have the flat and the car and the books and the cat. Is it bad to want those things? Also Leo is very handsome. That's part of the problem. But it won't ever amount to anything, and I have definitely learned that lesson from several angles. When you are attracted to someone in that way you are attracted to the idea of them and what they represent. Anyway, I have been having a great time with Leo making music and I have to remember that making music with people makes everything way more intense and romantic in ways which just don't exist in the real world.
I do sincerely hope that everyone in the world has a chance to connect to another person in that way. Just like, the times I've had with people like Ralph, Boris, Leo... Sophie, Jenni, like, anyone I have made music with, where there's just two of you in the room and you're letting the most beautiful sounds happen, it really feels like magic and it connects you to that other person in a way which is totally different from anything else. What I didn't realise so much about making music or performing music with other people is that it is such an intimate and beautiful thing and feels like love, but a different flavour of love. This is why I am making my new album, anyway. I want to communicate that there are multiple ways to love people who have no familial or romantic attachment to you. This category of "friends". We all know friendship and have all experienced friendship but when have we ever really investigated it the way that we constantly investigate romantic relationships?