20.11.24

I've been so busy the last week with birthday and moving house. I think I am just waiting for that moment I can fully breathe out and go 'haaaaaahhh,' and it's not come yet. I hope it comes when I see Dad at Gatwick tomorrow.

Moving House

I moved on Monday. I've been in the house for two days now, although it feels like barely anything. And of course I miss my last room. The mattress was firm, although the bed was squeaky. The house was warm, although it was dark. There wasn't a vague smell of cigarettes in the downstairs hallway, although there was the terrible smell of Cormac's cooking. The things we learn to live with, eh? It's basically all about choosing your lesser evil. What can you stand to put up with? What's your flavour of inconvenience?

The biggest inconvenience was the temperature last night - it dropped to zero. I was in bed with my duvet and blanket and sweatpants and sweater but my head was cold. I was still shivering and I was really tempted to get out of bed and make a hot water bottle, or even put on a hat... but it was too cold to get out of bed for an extended period of time, it felt. I eventually fell asleep but not before my head went crazy with just loads of random images and thoughts, like it was literally sorting through SO MUCH stuff and generating so much stuff... like, it felt insane. I think it was just because of all the new sensations I had to get used to with this house move. Suddenly I'm in a new neighbourhood, a new building, with a new person, and it's FUCKING COLD...

I just have to make it through tonight and then tomorrow I am going to Australia, and then when I come back to London in a couple weeks I might feel a bit better. I can settle and buy some curtains and a rug or something.

I just feel like I'm breathing in, in, in, and I need to BREATHE OUT.

11.11.24

I've had a good weekend! I'm writing this from my bed and I am pretty tired after a long day at...

It was a really nice and fun day at the zoo. It's probably the best zoo I've ever been to? We saw basically every animal there - we were there for FOUR HOURS, so yeah.

The Best Animals

• Otters
• The jaguar
• Pygmy hippo
• Elephants!
• Meerkats
• Wolves
• Orangutans
• The crazy parrots which had an argument on my hand

It was really sweet and as far as birthday activities go, it was a pretty good choice. Angus and I just walked for hours and once we'd seen all the animals, we went back to some enclosures to get a better look. The orangutans, for example, were intially sleeping under blankets (see pic) but when we came back a couple of hours later they were sitting around their enclosure, picking at the hay and eating things. Angus tried to say hello and wave at the orangutan nearest us and it gave him the side eye. It was so uninterested it was pretty comical.

Also this weekend Angus and I went to the dress rehearsal of A Christmas Carol at The Old Vic. It was genuinely beautiful and really made me cry towards the end. So life-affirming and there's a moment where Scrooge sees his child self at the end of the story, and he hugs him and says "I don't want him to grow up to be me. I don't want him to be me." And that hit me so hard. Because isn't that how so many of us feel? When we see our child selves and all the amazing things they dream for themselves, we really want the best for them. And then we live. And our priorities get mixed up and we change and go through the doldrums and then sometimes we end up in places we really didn't want ourselves to be in. I mean, the story of Ebenezer Scrooge is a drastic one, and I'm not saying that I hate my life, but it made me think of Young Olivia and how she had all these dreams of acting and singing and stuff and I have only partly fulfiled her dreams. Anyway. The show was great. So great.

On Sunday night Angus and I went back to Chelmsford and his mum had made katsu curry and a tiramisu. Which is so thoughtful I can't believe I get to have tiramisu every birthday!!! She put candles in it and they both sang happy birthday to me and it was really sweet. I feel very loved by those two people, it's so nice to have a feeling of family all the way down here in London, when I'm so far away from Mum and Dad and Harriet.

Tomorrow I am going into work (first birthday at work for years!!! But I have had so much fun that it's okay and I kind of want to see if my coworkers get me cake lol) and then in the evening I am seeing Patrick and he's taking me out for dinner. We're going to a Spanish restaurant in Honor Oak I believe.

I have more packing etc to do this week before the weekend rolls around. It seems like there is a lot to get done so I am hoping that I can bring a box home with me from work or something in order to get more stuff packed away. I am actually quite nervous about booking the van because the last time was so stressful and ended up being an extra 100 quid.

Packing and then Australia. And I have to remember to give my new letting agents my passport so they can scan it for my tenancy agreement etc. So many bits and pieces but I can do it I can do it I believe in me.

07.11.24

Did podcasting with Ed in the morning today. Then afterwards I just decided to get on a bus going up to Shoreditch instead of going straight home like usual - just couldn't face going back into the flat and feeling that feeling I've been feeling lately.

It's like an... ugh feeling. Like, I need to slough this skin off my bones, feeling.

I've been going down into the kitchen each day this week to find that my flatmate C has been leaving dishes piled in the sink. There will always be salt and egg residue on the counters. Sometimes the egg will have baked and burnt onto the stove burners. In the sink there will be watery pans and plates with egg on them, shreds of egg. All this guy ever eats is scrambled eggs. There sometimes is a damp tea towel all bunched up on the counter (this is his attempt at wiping the counter perhaps? however the counter is never wiped) with more bits of food on it, just sitting on the counter so that when I pick it up, little bits of debris fall out. When I go down to the kitchen in the morning and I see this, I get so mad inside. Like, just disgusted and mad. I don't want this here. I don't want someone else's eggy mess that they had all the time in the world to clear up (he works from home, like, 3 days a week at LEAST) and the implication that I have to work around it or clean it myself. And here's the thing: he would never, ever hold the belief that I should clean his mess up. However, if I want to use the pans, use the sink, cook myself dinner, not feel like ordering in takeaway because I can't stand the state of the kitchen, then it's up to me to clean the kitchen.

So when I got home from my little bus trip and cafe jaunt this afternoon, I saw that the dishes were still piled in the sink. And I went up to my bedroom and started packing my boxes. This is what I have keeping me from flipping the fuck out this week. My boxes. My cardboard and sellotape and vacuum bags. I get to pack up and get the fuck out of here in less than two weeks.

Part of me is anxious and uncertain about this next place. Will I struggle to keep it clean? Will there be some new annoyance with my new flatmate? But then I have to remind myself: I have been putting up with A LOT this year. There has just been a lot. The mice, the ants, the front door, the street door, the bad night's sleep, the dirty kitchen, the alcoholism, the sticky surfaces, the old laundry dominating the washing line, the dark kitchen, the sirens, the strange men in the alleyway, the Cash Converters, the smell of eggs cooking at 2am, the shriek-singing at 4am, the stealing, the abusive relationship, the grumbling hot water booster, the blinding streetlamp, the shouting people on the street... you get the point.You get the point.

Tonight I'm going to sleep with the Youtube video "MOUSE REPELLANT SOUND" playing an imperceptibly high-pitched frequency so that I don't wake up at 4am again to the rustling of plastic bags under my bed.

I wish I had somethng more positive to write about and part of me feels like it's bad vibes to write about how shit my flat has been, because I have really just had to suck it up and ignore it in order to keep living here. When I finally move out I will then be able to fully explain how negative this place has been for me. At least my life outside of this place has been improving over the last few months.

06.11.24

Well.

Everyone was suitably upset, pissed off, freaked out today. I weirdly don't feel anything about it that much. I think I have Trump amnesia. Or my anxiety has just tapped out.

When I was sitting in the National Theatre lobby an elderly Asian American woman asked me if I was there to see a show, and we started talking. She was from Minneapolis or somewhere in America beginning with an 'M'. I always get my Mississippis and Minneapolis and Minnesotas mixed up. Too many double consonants.

We inevitably started talking about the election results and I inferred that she didn't vote. She didn't want to vote for Trump, but she didn't agree with Kamala's policies either. So she didn't vote. She told me how she couldn't talk politics with her family, though. Because her husband and her two kids were so adamantly anti-Trump that they just couldn't understand how she didn't vote Kamala. She teared up talking about the division that the last few years of politics has caused in the population, even just in families.

"I don't want to think about politics all the time," she said. "I just want to live."

It was really interesting to hear an American talk about the election results on the actual day. She was going to see Cabaret at the Kit Kat club and so I said that she could at least go enjoy some theatre tonight. She got up after sorting out her backpack and really abruptly, almost comically, said "okay bye!" and waved smiling to me as she walked off. She literally had been knee-deep in conversation with me with tears in her eyes a minute before. Okay bye!

After that I went to Notes cafe and met up with Ani. She had said beforehand that she was going to dress extra girly tonight because she was stressed. Trump winning has big implications for Russia and Ukraine. We drank wine and talked a LOT about the election results but also a lot about other things. It was a good balm.

Talking to people in person is good. Maybe we need more of that in the world.

05.11.24

Gonna go to sleep soon but I guess that part of me still being awake at 11:50pm on a ~school night~ is down to the elections happening in the US today. Even though it's not my country I have so many friends there that I still feel tense. Also Trump getting back into power will definitely have international implications.

I might've made it harder for me to get to sleep this evening 'cause I spent most of it watching Reels on Instagram.

One cool thing: I started writing a Substack post today that I actually want to post. The first one in a couple of weeks. I would like to use this as a launch pad to make a few bits of content to post on Instagram because I've also been less post-y on there too but I'm gonna just treat it like an experiment rather than a bid to get more attention or followers.

Are you sleepy too? I'm sleepy. I'm gonna go to sleep now I think. And I will try not to check Insta or Substack or any of that stuff. Let's see how it shapes up tomorrow. Please please please no Trump. PLEasE no Trump. PLEASE.

04.11.24

Tomorrow is ELECTION DAY for Americaaaaaa and even though I am not American or even live in the States it is at the forefront of most people's minds right now. Fingers crossed we don't get Donald Trump back in the White House.

On a personal level I am doing okay. I got some hard stuff ticked off the to do list. I sent a stern email to my radio plugger because his efforts so far have been a solid 4/10 and that is not okay. I also FINALLY called the CD people and they said I could just send them my shit and they would help me make it look good!!! So that is a total relief.

What else is happenin! I went to Greenwich today and had a coffee and a little wander and discovered this crazy beautiful pub with all these naval flags attached to it. The sun was in the early stages of dusk and I had my little coffee and walked around listening to My Favourite Murder and also caught up with Mum on the phone. It was a really nice thing to do and I'm glad I left the house today.

I have also finally started to pack my shit for the move. I have one box full of things which is a small start but it's still a start. The books are the real bastards as they're so heavy. Today I was feeling super annoyed at my flatmate as the kitchen was just a mess, but as always, once I strike up a conversation with him all that annoyance just goes away. He is so hard to be pissed off at for extended periods of time, although he does TRY MY PATIENCE on an almost weekly basis !! Today I asked if he had a lighter spare so I could light my candle and he couldn't find his lighter so he went downstairs to the shop and bought me a lighter and a bar of chocolate. Which is. So sweet. Goddamn. I will miss him when I move, as a person, like. Not as a flatmate. I will be relieved when I leave this place.

Spoke to Mum on the phone today and she is chill with me doing Christmas with A and sis. Was a bit worried. But it's okayyyyyy.

What else today? Not much else. P said he will take me out for dinner on my birthday which is very sweet and I am very looking forward to. I am surrounded by lovely people in this life.

03.11.24

It's a Sunday and I am eating chocolate and resetting myself for the week. Gonna wash my hair in a moment too so I can feel squeaky clean on the outside, too. After feeling all organised and sorted out on the inside.

It's been too long since I've managed to have one of these days, and after being swept around for the last 2 weekends I'm realising how valuable it is just to have a day in the week which is entirely for yourself and centred around getting your life back in the reins. A day like this will always include:

• laundry
• tidying up
• grocery shopping
• checking my bank account
• planning my week and my calendar

And I definitely feel better for it at the end. Or rather, I don't notice it as much when I do do these things, but when I don't do them... It's definitely noticeable.

This week I have to start packing up my stuff for my move. And also plan my birthday. I am always so hesitant to plan my birthday because I always see it as a big invitation to be shown how I don't have many ride-or-die friends in London. I am lucky though because this year I feel like I do have a lot more friends, a lot of new friends. A and I were reflecting this weekend that I really did go through a lonely period just before summer where I had, like, nearly no-one to hang out with. Then J invited me to the wrestling, I started the Artist's Way group, E invited me to make a podcast with him, I asked L if he wanted to make an album with me... and suddenly I am starting to feel refreshed and social again. It really does just go to show that if you put something out into the universe, it will come back to you. But hardly ever immediately. Only at a slow and steady pace. But it was what I needed. I do feel lucky.

Movies

A and I went to see Anora in the cinema yesterday and oh my god it was so funny and so good. So beautiful, too. I just loved the characters: Vanya and Toros and the other 'caretaker' guy were so funny. Igor was heart-melting and Anora herself was just so unflappable, confident, caring, relatable, beautiful, etc etc etc. I think I've only seen a couple of films this year in the cinema (I wonder if I should start a Letterbox account but idk if I care that much) but this is probably my favourite film of the year?

We also watched Evil Dead on Friday, for me it was the first time. I can see how it became a horror classic - I'm guessing a lot of horror movie tropes stemmed from that film. A says that Evil Dead 2 is funnier and more gross so we should watch that next. I am not a fan of gross horror films but this one is quite cartoony, I think. We are mainly just planning on watching Army of Darkness because that one seems genuinely hilarious and I would def be down for a horror movie in that sort of category.

As for Evil Dead itself, I liked it. I don't really do horror movies that much and I sometimes had my eyes half-closed so the jumpscares wouldn't get me, but it wasn't too bad really. The end where all the corpses start to disintegrate and then this porridge substance comes out... lol that was gross. I don't like gross. But it was kinda funny.

Anyway yeah. I am still longing for another episode of Rivals but it's done now until the next season. Might start S2 of Yellowjackets but to be honest I'm not overly keen on getting another TV show going just now. Kind of have a craving to watch Master and Commander for some reason? Might do that this week.

I am wondering about this diary and whether I should try to write a bit more 'poetically' for here, but at the same time I don't wanna put the pressure on. If anyone reads this (and lol why would they) then that's fine, but it's really not for them, it's for me. And I hope that I can keep this space as much 'for me' as possible. That's important to me. Before the sun goes down I want to take pictures of my rocks so I can start making a rocks page, I would assume I should try using flex boxes or something to get them all in position. Will be learning something new! Hooray!

31.10.24

Feel pretty crappy today. Whenever I have a day off work I always feel like I have to get SO MUCH done in order to 'justify' it. Like, I sat down and wrote a list of things I had to do: cleaning, prepping my next Substack post, eat well, get enough rest... all that boring self care stuff which makes you feel better at the end of the day. But here's the thing, if I just feel like I'm going from one 'self-care non-negotiable' to the next, I just feel like I'm ticking off boxes. And those things might decrease my stress and anxiety but at the same time, it doesn't make me feel good in the moment?

I think I'm just worried and stressed about this impending housemove. Also flatmate C was drinking out of BOTH of my nice mugs last night and it actually pissed me off more than I should have lol. I don't mind people borrowing my stuff but my mugs are my mugs. MY MUGS!!! Also I'm 99% sure he's been pinching my Nutella which is fine but also it's quite brazen how much is left in the tub. Stuff like this is just small annoyances but it builds up to a bigger picture of Many Fucking Annoyances which has led me to wanna move out now.

Idk if you know that feeling but you know when it's like the end of the day or whatever and you unhook your bra (if you are a bra-wearer) and then for a second the bra is just sitting on your titties feeling really creepily uncomfortable? In that moment I'm always like "I NEED THIS OFF ME RIGHT NOW". I feel like I have unhooked the bra of my apartment. I am moving in two weeks and I really need this off me as soon as possible.

I spoke to Dad on the phone today about Australia plans. It seems so overwhelming to be travelling so far. I haven't gone on a transcontinental flight in 9 years. That's actually a crazy long time. Part of me wonders if the last 9 years of my life have been 'fun' if I haven't travelled that far. Should I make travel a priority for myself in the years to come? I think I should. I always enjoy it. It's important for me to see the world whilst I'm here.

Finished Rivals. God. I wish there was more. I cannot BELIEVE what happened with Tony and Cameron. Jesus! WILL TONY SURVIVE? I honestly loathe his character but then I get flashes of sympathy for him. He is truly in love with Cameron but is also so desperate to just have some sort of control over his life and some kind of impact on the world. So much so that he becomes a monster in order to get there and stay there.

Watched the Eras Tour livestream of Miami Night 3 today. The rain show. I honestly can't believe how many beginnings of songs get me right in the tear ducts. I want to cry when I hear the opening line of Cruel Summer. I want to cry at Fortnight. I want to cry at the surprise songs. I want to cry at fucking everything. Part of me always will wonder what it would have been like to go. I worked the merch stand which was as close as I got but part of me really wonders what it would have been like to dress up and go and just cry cry cry at the Taylor Swift concert.

Worked a bit on the CD design today. I think I'm ready to call Alpha Duplication so I should totally do that on Monday. It's a very eat-the-frog to do list item for me. Just need to do it. Need to do it need to do it.

29.10.24

Hi hi hi how is everybody on my CRAP WEBPAGE

I honestly have spent too much time making this site and I have a feeling that one day soon I will crash and cool off for a bit....... today is not that day. I am doing a lot of coding here and there and it's taking a long time but it's a labour of love and I'm happy with that.

Today I literally had to go sit on a bench in a park to reply to all the texts in my phone that I have been meaning to reply to this week. For some reason the motivation to get back to people is low. I sent out a bunch of texts, to P, M, L, the Wednesday girls, L.... so I think I'm good for a bit. I don't think anyone is mad at me for not getting back quickly but I know I can get overly worried about that and it compounds if I don't hit it on the head.

Tomorrow I have the "day off" so I need to get the thing done. What thing? ALL THE THINGS. Mainly:

• laundry
• CD design (I hAVE to call Alpha Doop it's not even funny anymore lmao AAH)
• a substack post
• clean my bathroom
• cook some real food

I feel like I am still getting my shit together after Isle of Wight. Like, I haven't done fucking laundry in almost two weeks. That is insane to me and I have no idea how I've managed to NOT do it. Should I do it now? Guys should I be so crazy and just do my laundry TONIGHT???

Maybe I will.

Other shit that is going on... not much. Halloween tomorrow. Guy Fawkes night. Then America's voting day. We'll be watching from the sidelines here in the UK but the general feeling is that Kamala is going to win. From over here at least. But you know. Crazier things have happened.

29.10.24

I felt really weirdly nauseous today. Just like, not good. Picked up a bit later on in the day. I did a covid test yesterday and it came back negative so at least I don't have that. I have a weird theory though... okay, so I wore a wide-brimmed hat on the train to work today and I genuinely wonder if it gave me travel-sickness??? lmao??? Does wearing a hat on a train make you susceptible to nausea?

Anyway I have been plugging away at more parts of this website and have been figuring out grids and iframes today. Woopeeeee

Still watching Rivals and I fear if I get any more into this TV show I may turn into a Tory. I fucking love these characters and I have one episode left! And then I will go into withdrawal.

I need to go to sleep tonight at a decent time. I think it would be cool to do a dream diary page on this site at some point. Idea for later.

Okay short entry love ya my little personal website GOODNIGHT

28.10.24

This is getting easier and easier to write -- in the html, I mean. Anyway today I have been feeling like I'm coming down with a sickness, maybe a cold-y flu or something. I woke up this morning and was so sure that I had been snoring like a fucking MACHINE whilst I slept.

I pretty much spent the entirety of the day doing podcast stuff with E. I feel like we have built a nice rapport over the last couple of months and we're actually friends now. Like, we can have a laugh a bit more I think. I really like going to his house and having a cup of tea with him and Rosie. I'll have to get them a Christmas present or something this year for all the times they've fed me when I've been over!

Rivals

I have been loving Rivals on Disney+ recently. Like, I am so invested in all of the characters I just love them. This kind of TV makes me want to start using Tumblr again because I'm like OH MY GOD MY BABIES when I see my favourite characters get on with each other. I love Declan, Rupert and Freddie, and their friendship is literally giving me life. I don't know who else is watching this show but I need someone to gush about it with because I LOVE THIS SHOW AND I DON'T WANT IT TO END. I only have 3 episodes left of the first season and I don't know if it'll continue after season 1, like if it's a standalone thing or what, you know?

Anyway I am probably gonna tinker more with this website tonight and also clean my room. I feel like when I do it I automatically start to feel better, like not just mentally but also physically. So I need to keep it clean this week. Also I feel like now I can finally relax because a lot of the 'big stuff' I had to do is now finished. Isle of Wight (LOL) is over, party weekend and wrestling is over, podcast day is over, I can finally relax a bit until my birthday. Oh I should make plans for my birthday though!

Birthday Ideas

Karaoke with some friends? A nice dinner or day out with A <3 I honestly don't have many more ideas beyond that.

Oh well! I will figure it outtttt. Anyway. Time to eat dinner.

BYEEEEE

27.10.24

I'm actually so surprised at how easy it is to code. Makes me kinda wonder how motivated I was as a teen..... cause I really wanted to make a website when I was a teenager, but I never did. I kind of tried but I gave up pretty soon. So part of me wonders... was I just not headstrong enough?

Is headstrong-ness something you develop as you get older? Probably. I mean, I was obsessed and powerfully so with Q. That was like, my thing. And I wonder if I used up all my energy in that zone and I could have actually applied myself... God, it doesn't really matter does it, though?

I'm having fun now.

So today I went out to the wrestling with James. Gerri wasn't there. It was good but I shouted a lot so I feel kinda vocally tired out from that. J got me a signed photo from Tate Mayfairs that says 'Keep stealing umbrellas!' and it's honestly one of the funniest things I own now. So good.

Kinda had a feeling that A was mad at me today because he's been super quiet but I just have to remind myself that 80% it's not actually about me, it's about him. And it's okay. It's okay.

I feel like I should give El a call or something because her friend killed himself this month. And I've had two close calls this year with people that I love. I don't really know how to open that conversation but I just feel like I should say something. It would be really nice to connect with her when I'm over in Australia because I love her and I want her to know that we are family no matter how far away we are. I hope I can have a really nice time in Australia with all my cousins and feel a lot closer to them. I think going for dinner with Geo really helped last month. Like, the R** cousins are a bit more distant and I think we don't have the same rapport as the D**s. It would be nice to connect with them more as HUMANS and not as tiny cousins or people that my uncles have fathered, you know?

24.10.24

Hello and welcome to my website I am working on it ^okay!!!!

Things I want to do to this website

• make a functioning diary page
• make a log for media i like
• make a map for 3 impossible tasks (that's a longer project)